Why Change Feels So Hard

And How to Actually Make It Work — with AI, Human Connection & a Personal System

1. Why You’re Not Broken … Just Human

You try. You want to be better. You start something. And then life... hits.

You fall back into old patterns. You get tired, overwhelmed, distracted, or just... stuck.

But here's the truth: You're not lazy or weak. You're just human. And change is biologically designed to be hard.

Let me explain.

2. What Science Says About Why Change Feels Impossible

So, you’ve probably asked yourself before:“Why do I always fall back into old habits even when I really want to change?”

The answer?Because your brain isn’t wired for success. It’s wired for survival.

Let’s break this down so you can stop blaming yourself and start working with your brain instead of against it.

A. Neural Pathways: Your Brain Runs on Habit Loops

Every time you repeat a behavior, your brain strengthens the neural pathway responsible for it.

Think of it like walking through grass

• Do it once? You make a small trail.

• Do it 100 times? You’ve got a very clear path

So when you try to replace an old habit (like reaching for your phone when stressed) with a new one (like going for a walk), your brain says:

“Wait, this path isn’t built yet, it’s full of grass, mud and rocks. Let’s go back to the one we know works.”

This is why change feels uncomfortable. You’re literally creating new brain wiring, also called neuroplasticity.

Science Note: Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to change and adapt by forming new connections.

The more consistent you are, the smoother that new path becomes, and eventually, it takes less effort than the old one.

B. Hormones: Your Body Thinks Change = Danger

Every time you start something new, whether it's waking up earlier, starting a new fitness routine, or changing how you think, you activate uncertainty in the brain.

That releases cortisol, the stress hormone. And when cortisol goes up, your body triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response.

Translation: Your body literally thinks you’re under threat… even if all you’re doing is meditating or saying “no” to sugar.

Research Reference: The amygdala, part of your brain’s emotional center, becomes hyperactive under stress, which then suppresses the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for decision-making and logic.

This is why change doesn’t just feel hard, it feels unsafe. That’s also why willpower fades fast under stress.

C. Cognitive Dissonance: Your Identity Gets in the Way

Let’s say you’ve always seen yourself as “someone who’s not fit” or “bad with money.”Even when you try to act differently, your brain fights it, because the new behavior doesn’t match your identity.

This conflict is called cognitive dissonance.

You try to save money, but your identity says, “We’re the kind of person who always struggles financially.”You go for a run, but the voice says, “We’re not an athlete.”

Your subconscious will pull you back into behaviors that align with your current self-image. Even if they’re harmful. That’s why changing your identity is often more important than changing your actions.

Pro Tip: Instead of saying, “I’m trying to run,” say, “I’m becoming a runner.” The shift in who you believe you are supports the change more than just setting goals.

Science Backing: Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance (1957) explains that humans are psychologically uncomfortable when our beliefs and actions don’t align. so we either change the action, or justify the belief.

D.  The Success Experience: Your Brain Can Rewire Itself

Now the good news.

Every time you do the new thing (even once), you get a hit of dopamine. The motivation and reward chemical.

This is what researchers call the “success experience”.Small wins = huge shifts in brain chemistry.

So yes: ✅ Waking up on time ✅ Saying no to a bad habit ✅ Doing one workout or journaling for five minutes

These may seem small, but they give your brain proof that change is safe, rewarding, and possible.

Research Note: Studies from Stanford Neuroscience Lab and the American Psychological Association confirm that while willpower is limited, systems and habits can automate success. (Search: “Stanford Habit Formation Lab” or “Roy Baumeister ego depletion theory”)

Bottom Line: Change isn’t impossible .It just feels that way because your brain is protecting you, not punishing you.

But once you understand how your brain works, you can build systems that support change, rather than relying on short-lived motivation.

3. Breaking It Down: Why Habits Shape Your Life’s Results

Let’s look at where habits quietly run your life:

Energy & Health

• Problem: You wake up tired, skip breakfast, and doom-scroll.

• Result: Low energy, brain fog, and stress build up.

• Why: Your habits support survival, not performance.

Finances & Career

• Problem: You procrastinate, multitask, or avoid hard tasks.

• Result: You stay stuck, underpaid, or constantly overwhelmed.

• Why: Your brain chooses familiar and comfortable, not meaningful.

Confidence & Self-Worth

• Problem: You compare, self-sabotage, or stay silent when it matters.

• Result: Missed opportunities. Regret. Inner frustration.

• Why: Those patterns became safe. They feel “you,” but they’re not.

The truth is: You don’t rise to your goals, you fall to your systems.(Thanks, James Clear. 😉 )

So... how do we beat this?

4. How AI Can Help (If You Use It Right)

AI isn’t here to replace your brain, it’s here to support it.

Smart use of AI can lighten your mental load and strengthen your consistency.

• Chatbots to check in on your mindset or habits

• Automated routines that adjust to your focus and fatigue

• Data insights into what works for you and what doesn’t

AI becomes your habit accountability buddy. But AI alone won’t get you across the finish line...

5. Human Connection: The Secret Sauce

Here’s something you already know deep down: The biggest breakthroughs rarely happen in isolation.They happen when someone sees you. Gets you. Believes in you, especially when you’re doubting yourself.

We’re told that “mindset is everything,” but here’s what most people forget:Your mindset is shaped by your environment, and the fastest way to upgrade that… is through real connection.

Science backs this up in powerful ways. Let’s break it down.

Everything Is Energy. So Are We.

According to quantum physics, everything in the universe is made up of vibrating particles. yes, even your thoughts and emotions. We are not just flesh and bones; we are energy systems constantly exchanging frequencies with the world around us.

That’s why being around someone who has done the work, changed their life, or simply radiates peace and purpose... does something to you.

You feel it. Your body relaxes. Your energy shifts. You start to think:

“If they can do it, maybe I can too.”

That’s not a coincidence. That’s vibrational alignment.

The Mirror Effect: How Your Brain Learns Through Others

Your brain is built to learn by watching. This is thanks to mirror neurons, specialized brain cells that fire both when you do something and when you observe someone else doing it.

This means:

• Watching someone rise from struggle to success isn’t just inspiring. It’s instructional.

• Your brain starts creating new pathways, preparing you to make similar moves.

• You get a shortcut to belief, because someone else just proved it’s possible.

This is one reason coaching, mentorship, or being in a strong community works so well. You’re not just getting advice. You’re getting a neurological blueprint to follow.

Physical Proof Beats Theory, Every Time

Reading books, watching YouTube videos, and journaling are all great tools. But if your nervous system doesn't feel change… it won't stick. That’s because your brain trusts experience over information.

And the most powerful experience?Watching or being supported by someone who has already lived through what you’re facing.

When you feel someone’s energy, whether it’s calm, focused, disciplined, or loving, your system starts to sync up. This is co-regulation. It’s the foundation of Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. His research shows that we calm our nervous systems best through safe, trusting human connection.

So yes, your nervous system knows when it’s safe to change. And that safety often comes from the presence of another person.

Why We Can’t Grow Alone

The belief that you have to “do it all yourself” is one of the biggest lies keeping people stuck.

Personal growth is deeply personal, but that doesn’t mean it’s supposed to be isolated.

In fact, most successful people, entrepreneurs, athletes, performers, and even monks, have mentors, guides, or tight-knit communities.

Because we regulate through each other.

Because we believe more when we see proof.

Because we go further, faster, when someone holds the vision for us.

This Is Why Coaching Works (When It’s Real)

A great coach doesn’t just give you strategies. They hold a vision of your highest self, before you can even see it. They’re not just teaching. They’re transmitting energy, belief, stability, and clarity that you can tap into and align with.

And through that connection, you start to feel it in your own body:

• Confidence

• Direction

• Momentum

• A sense of, “This time, I won’t fall off again.”

That’s not magic. That’s neuroscience meeting energy, and it’s the accelerator for lasting change.

6. Creating Your Bulletproof System

We love talking about goals. Vision boards. Morning routines. Discipline. But let’s get real: Change is messy.

If you’re serious about transformation, then you have to stop pretending it’ll all go smoothly. You will fall off. You will mess up. You will want to quit . Not maybe. Not if. But when.

And that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

Every Plan Needs an Emergency Plan

Imagine a pilot flying a plane with no emergency protocols. No checklists. No backup system. One unexpected cloud and the whole trip’s a disaster.

That’s how most people treat personal change. They set the goal, create a plan… and when life doesn’t go according to it, they call themselves lazy, unmotivated, a failure .When in reality, they just didn’t prepare for the turbulence.

Here’s What You Should Expect:

You’re trying to wake up earlier? You’ll 100% have mornings where you:

• Snooze your alarm 5 times.

• Go back to bed saying, “I need it today.”

• Cancel the alarm the night before thinking, “Screw it, I’ve earned a rest.”

This doesn’t mean your new habit failed. It means your brain is resisting change, just like we talked about in Section 2.

Your job? Don’t act surprised. Plan for it.

Your “Get Back On” Protocol

Success isn’t about never messing up. It’s about messing up and knowing exactly how to respond.

So here’s the real move: Build your fall-off-the-horse protocol into your routine from the start.

Know your:

• “Warning signs” → the patterns that usually signal you’re about to spiral.

• “Emergency responses” → what you’ll do when you skip, fall behind, or slip.

• “Bounce-back rituals” → something short and powerful that resets your state.

Examples:

• Miss a workout? You don’t need to punish yourself. Just move your body for 10 mins that day.

• Slept in? No panic. Focus on nailing the next anchor habit (like a healthy breakfast or journaling).

• Ate crap food? Cool. Start your next meal with something nourishing.

The goal is to keep momentum alive, not perfection.

Flexibility Is a Power Tool

High achievers don’t just plan for the best case. They prepare for setbacks. For off days. For mental dips.

In performance psychology, this is called implementation intention. It means you not only plan what to do but also when and how to respond when things go sideways. This reduces decision fatigue and emotional overwhelm, two major reasons why people give up.

And Let’s Be Honest…

If you think success means perfection, you’ll always feel like a failure. But if success means coming back stronger, again and again, you become unstoppable. Even setbacks become part of your strategy.

So yes:

• Plan for high standards.

• Set bold goals.

• Push yourself to rise. But do it with safety nets. With fail-safes. With realistic grace.

You don’t need to be perfect. You need a system that’s strong enough to bend and still bounce back.

When You Stick To A Plan That Fits You … It Sticks To You

You don’t rise to the level of your dreams. You fall to the level of your systems, your habits, and your preparedness. That includes the hard days. The “I don’t feel like it” days. The “What’s the point?” days.

Plan for them.

And when they come, don’t panic. Activate your protocol. Breathe. Recommit . Then move forward, just one step.

That’s not failure. That’s real growth.

7. Final Thought: Set Yourself Up to Win

Raise your standards. Dream big.

But build the net that catches you when life gets hard.

If you do this, you don’t break. You bounce back. Every. Time.

That’s when transformation stops being temporary... and becomes your new normal.

You're not too much. You're not too late. You're not broken. You’re just one aligned system away from becoming undefeatable.

Want me to help you build that system for yourself ? Contact me and let’s set you up for success!

Your biggest cheerleader ,

Sjoerd