What You’re Not Changing, You’re Choosing

What you're not changing, you are choosing

Let me hit you with something direct:

Every single thing in your life right now, your energy levels, your stress, your results, your joy, your chaos, it’s all either something you created or something you’re allowing.

And the moment you stop changing it, you’re actually choosing it.

Think about it. That project you keep postponing? You’re not “too busy,” you’re choosing to stay stuck. That frustration you keep carrying with your partner? You’re not “waiting for the right moment,” you’re choosing to live with the tension. That story you keep repeating about “one day I’ll…”? You’re not waiting. You’re choosing not to act today.

This blog is about cutting through the excuses and showing you how your lens, how you label and interpret what’s happening, literally defines your outcomes. We’ll dive into the psychology, the science, and the brutal but liberating truth: if you want different results, you need to choose differently.

Understanding the Core Issue

Here’s the big trap: most people think they’re reacting to life as it is. But you’re not. You’re reacting to the story you tell yourself about life.

• Bad sleep = “Today is ruined.”

• Kid sick = “This is unfair, my day is a mess.”

• Partner nagging = “I can’t deal with this right now.”

Same reality, different story, completely different results.

This isn’t positive thinking fluff. This is ‘cognitive psychology 101’.

Your brain has something called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It filters out 99% of what’s happening around you, and it focuses only on what it believes is relevant. If you’re telling yourself life is stressful, your RAS will serve you evidence that life is stressful. If you tell yourself life is full of opportunities, your RAS will highlight the little wins, the small joys, the doors opening.

In other words: your brain is literally working to confirm your beliefs.

This is why you can have two people living the exact same morning:

• One is fuming because of lack of sleep, cranky kid, and household nagging.

• The other is tired, yes, but grateful to take their kid to school, proud they’re still showing up, and lighthearted about the laundry because “if that’s our biggest problem, we’re doing fine.”

Same facts. Different labelling. Different day. Different life.

And here’s the kicker: most people are masters at spotting positives in others… but blind when it comes to themselves.

• You’ll cheer for your friend’s small win.

• You’ll tell your colleague, “Well done, you nailed that.”

• You’ll clap when your kid manages something simple.

But when do you turn that same lens on yourself? When was the last time you stopped and said, “I’m proud of myself”?

The lack of self-recognition is not a minor detail; it’s the fuel for a cycle of dissatisfaction. Because if you can’t see your own progress, you’ll believe you’re stuck. And if you believe you’re stuck, you’ll act stuck.

Breaking it Down: Key Areas of Impact

Let’s zoom out and see the main ways this “not changing = choosing” principle plays out in your daily life.

a) Your Mindset Shapes Your Reality

• If you believe life is unfair → your brain scans for unfairness.

• If you believe life is full of growth opportunities → your brain finds them.

• Science calls this confirmation bias. Your mind bends reality to match your beliefs.

b) Emotions Are a Label, Not a Fact

You’re not experiencing the world; you’re experiencing your interpretation of it.

• “I’m exhausted = today is ruined” is one possible label.

• “I’m exhausted = today is a test of resilience, and I can still win small battles” is another.

  Both are true. Only one moves you forward.

c) Your Choices Compound

• Skip the gym once? Not a big deal.

• Skip it for longer? You’ve chosen to be unfit.

• Avoid one difficult conversation? Harmless.

• Avoid them for years? You’ve chosen to sabotage your relationships.

The little “not changings” silently add up into the big life you complain about.

d) External vs. Internal Recognition

You clap for others but not for yourself. That’s a dangerous imbalance. When you only rely on external validation, you’re outsourcing your identity. When you recognise your own efforts, honestly and without ego, you build inner stability.

4. How to Reframe and Take Back Control

Awareness is nice. But let’s be honest: awareness without action is just mental clutter.

So how do you actually take back control? By reframing.

Reframing = deliberately changing the meaning you attach to an event. Same facts, new label, new energy.

Example:

• Fact: You slept badly.

• Old frame: “Today is ruined.”

• New frame: “Today is a great test of my discipline. I can still execute even when conditions aren’t perfect.”

One frame makes you powerless, the other makes you proud.

This is what high performers do differently. They don’t deny reality. They re-label it into something that serves them.

Here’s a simple 3-step method you can use anytime:

1. Catch the thought.

   Ask: What story am I telling myself right now?

2. Challenge the label.

   Ask: Is this story helping me move forward, or holding me back?

3. Choose a new lens.

   Ask: What’s a more useful story I can tell myself about this exact same situation?

Do this enough, and you literally reprogram your brain’s default response. Your RAS will start searching for opportunities instead of obstacles.

The Power of Zooming Out

Most of your stress comes from being too zoomed in. You’re obsessing over today’s chaos without seeing the bigger picture.

Think about it:

• One night of poor sleep doesn’t define your health.

• One tough week at work doesn’t define your career.

• One argument doesn’t define your relationship.

But when you’re zoomed in, it feels like the end of the world.

Solution: Zoom out. Ask yourself:

• In 5 years, will this even matter?

• If my best friend were in this situation, what advice would I give them?

• What’s the bigger story here? Am I growing stronger, or just proving to myself I can’t handle discomfort?

Science calls this cognitive reframing. Leaders call it perspective shift. I call it freedom.

Because when you zoom out, you stop being a victim of the moment and start being the author of the bigger narrative.

Practical Daily Applications

Here’s where most blogs stop. But let’s get real: theory is useless if you don’t know how to apply it. So here’s the daily toolkit you can start using today:

a) Morning Reset

Before you dive into the day, ask yourself:

• What story do I want to live today?

• What lens do I choose?

  Write it down. Anchor it.

b) Small Win Recognition

At night, list 3 wins you created or handled well. Doesn’t matter how small. This trains your brain to see progress.

Example:

• “I showed up at the gym even though I was tired.”

• “I stayed calm when my kid melted down.”

• “I said no to something that didn’t serve me.”

c) Trigger Check

Notice recurring triggers that throw you off (traffic, emails, partner’s tone).

For each one, decide a pre-framed story in advance.

• Traffic = podcast time.

• Email overload = practice prioritisation.

• Partner nagging = chance to practice patience.

Now, instead of reacting, you’re practising mastery.

d) End-of-Week Zoom Out

Once a week, reflect:

• Where did I let old labels run the show?

• Where did I consciously reframe and win?

• What’s the bigger pattern I see in myself?

This gives you clarity, accountability, and momentum.

Final Takeaway

Your life is not built by the big dramatic events. It’s built by the thousands of tiny micro-decisions you make every day about how you label reality.

• Complain or reframe.

• Delay or decide.

• Wait or act.

Every “not changing” is, in fact, a choice.

So here’s the challenge: starting today, stop outsourcing your story. Stop letting default labels run your life. Choose the lens. Choose the story. Choose the life.

Because at the end of the day, the truth is brutally simple:

What you’re not changing, you are choosing.

- Sjoerd